I used to get a fair few nosebleeds when I was a kid and
into my teenage years. I guess they
stopped for many years because I can’t really recall it being an issue. Over
the last two years they seem to be returning with greater frequency though.
I don’t know why it happens. I can’t predict when it will
happen. I don’t have high blood pressure (in fact I tend to have lower than
normal blood pressure which has its own implications). I don’t have a cocaine
habit or Ebola or any of the other causes that WebMD suggests. Generally I
bleed from the left nostril and it stops usually pretty quickly without much
effort or fuss. Afterwards I’m left fatigued and a little too crowded in the
head.
The internet search was deeply unsatisfying so I widened the
search to symbolic meaning of nosebleeds. Now things get a bit more
interesting. Apparently I am feeling unrecognised. So I sit and dwell upon this
for a bit. No one wants to admit to feeling unrecognised.
Andy Warhol said that
we will all get our 15 minutes of fame. Maybe mine is still to come but let’s
assume I’ve had it – what happens now? Does fame constitute recognition? I doubt
it in all honesty. I could think of nothing worse than not being able to walk
down the street picking or sitting in your car at the lights quietly picking
your nose (not that I’d do that as it wouldn’t help the nosebleeding issue)
without being recognised and harassed. In fact, I dislike working near where I
live as I like my privacy too much. Bad enough that one has to be polite to
customers at work. Goddess forbid I
should have to be civil to them on my time.
Okay so if it’s not fame then what does recognition mean to
me. Peer and industry recognition perhaps? Not so much of “yes, I’ve heard of
Amanda Kennedy the artist” but “You’re an artist. Great . Would love to see/discuss
your work”. Or “You’re an artist. Great . I’ll put you in touch with so and so”. I know
that artists are a dime a dozen and art covers such a wide scope. It often
feels like I’m wandering alone in the shallows in the dark hoping to catch
something with my small hand held net.
It’s taken me a few years to easily answer ‘artist’ when
that question of what do I do comes round to me at social gatherings. I can now
do it without laughing and actually happily engage with people about how it all
works from my point of view. So I guess I’ve started on the first steps of this
journey by recognising myself as an artist. It’s now up to me to put that out further
into my world and beyond.
Just to be to cover my bases I have my affirmations -
“ Even though I have a need for recognition and feel
unrecognized and unnoticed, and I am crying for love, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
I love and approve of myself. I recognize my own true worth.
I am wonderful. I recognize my own intuitive ability.”
(thanks Louise Hay)
And always carry a pack of tissues.
